Thursday, March 26, 2009

Anybody Out There?

People people. We gotta get over before we go under .....

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

In which I pretend I didn't not post for months.


If I had to pick a feeling right now, it would be exploding. It's not that I have so many things on my plate (I do, but that's not what it is). It's more of the nagging notion that SOMETHING MUST CHANGE. I don't know precisely what.

I do know precisely what, but I can't think of a feasible way to change what I have to. Because there are no jobs. I feel like I'm at a gay bar, and there's a ton of hot, straight chicks who are hotter than me, and then there's ONE straight guy. And everyone wants him. That's what it's like even THINKING about changing jobs right now.

And part of me doesn't even want to do that, but a lot of me does. I am lucky to have a job. I am lucky to have security. But then I think about the summer and all of the ridiculous shit I was doing for money, and about days of laying in bed with nothing to do but write and smoke cigs and drink coffee, and about how that is ideally what I would like to do, forever and ever.

There are three reasons why I won't take that leap just yet. One of them is my rent. My rent isn't a little chunk of money that I can somehow magically come up with at the end of the month in a worse case scenario. My rent is already something that needs to be scrimped and saved, and that's with a reliable job. Second, it's cold out. Sure, being unemployed in the summer is all fun and games; but I imagine that this time of year it's straight up depressing. Very Charles Dickens. I don't need to feel even MORE worthless. Third, I refuse to leave to do something else that I don't want to do. That's stupid. So if I have some golden opportunity, I'm outta here. And I'm actively looking for that opportunity. But I won't leave one depressing waste of eight hours for another.

I used to be the master of doing strange things for money, but that was also before fucking Wall Street destroyed everything. The economy is completely fucked for people who did odd jobs for money. Where is the justice for us? Where's my fucking bailout?

If I had to choose another feeling, it would be trapped.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The return of the typed word

It’s amazing to me how I cannot make time to come on here and blog. I have been busy. I’m also going to blame it on my lack of a laptop, which I would wager that a good 80% of the blogging world use for their craft. It just does not have the same feel on my parent’s desk top.

I realized recently how much my life will always been intertwined with pot smoking. Let me explain; even though I may some day quit, I have spent enough time as one that it will always be a part of me. I want to start a list of “you know you’re a pot head whens,” in the style of Jeff Foxworthy, my first one would be, “you know you’re a pot head when you respected Micheal Phelps more once he got caught smoking!”

Seriously what an amazing event this truly has been for the pot smoking world. Think about all those anti smoking after school special style commercials, especially in recent years; the one with the girl forgetting to pick up her grandma, the one with the high guys hitting the girl on the little bike at the end of the drive-thru, the one of the guys just sitting around in a basement doing nothing; got those images in your head? Now take the greatest Olympic swimmer EVER, think about all his determination and hard work to get there, his years of preparation, the sacrifices, wins 8 gold metals, AND this mother fucker smokes weed. If that is not the greatest last laugh over the creators of those bull shit commercials then I don’t know what is.
I’m not saying I condone smoking for all people. But this instance proves to me yet again that people react to drugs differently. And any drug that does not lead to direct harm to the individual, or to society, should not be listed as a banned substance. I will never take to arms with the members of the legalize marijuana movement; I simply care too much about my life and want to hold a legit job one day, but I support you from a far and hope you do someday win out for your cause. Thank you.
And thank you Micheal Phelps, for being the greatest Olympic swimmer that ever lived.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

My Pledge to Get Back in the Saddle

Dear Blog,

It's been quite some time since we were together last. I feel like a deadbeat Dad searching for a way to 're-connect with you. I've missed sharing the latest and greatest and utilizing you as an outlet for my pent up thoughts and emotions. Plus I've missed all the other little buggers that I share this space with. I envy the time and energy they so responsibly devote to being with you, Blog. I wish I could be as special to you as they are. Rather than head down to the Department of Social Services to wait in line in search of answers and support from a professional, I figured I'd just tie myself down, strap my computer to my lap, and finally reach out and be at one with you again.

Besides, it's time I made some sense what has happened in what feels like months since my last post. I hope you can someday find it in your heart to forgive me for this unnecessary period of extended absence on my part. Blog, it is with this utmost sincerity that I pledge to welcome you back into my life...if you'll have me, that is.

Things have been really wild lately. I spent most of the other day watching CNN's live broadcast coverage of the dedication of the USS George H.W. Bush. I watched Bush II introduce his father. Now there's a guy who raised a great kid. He really knew what he was doing. Little Bush turned out to be not just a great guy, but Christ, he too was President. What a magical story. A story I am so pleased that in just a few short days, we will finally slam the cover closed on. Friends and readers, won't you join me in nailing the lid to the Bush administration's coffin closed? This man will live on in infamy as a first class citizen, a real upstanding fellow who knew how to please the people and put forth only the best decisions for the good of this nation. Thank you George H.W. Bush for bringing this final gentleman you call a son into our lives and into our bad graces. While it's been a long ride, we've finally waged the waters of your son's failed policies and abuse of power. To thank you for bringing him into this world, we've decided to name a Navy warship after you in the final weeks of his Presidency. You're the best!

On this coming Tuesday, the 20th of January in the year Two Thousand and Nine, will this country and the world move in the direction we've been led to believe it will? A world of peace, acceptance, shared global responsibility, economic and environmental sustainability? Are we on the brink of something new? Something incredible? Obama, are you really gonna be as awesome as you promised? Is your staff well equipped? When will the hiring begin for these green jobs you promise will rescue the record number of unemployed Americans? What can I do to help? A dramatic, deep CNN voiceover delivers the key message in the network's latest cable ad campaign. As 'CNN Man' states boldly, "In 2009, new questions will drive your search for truth. CNN will be right there with you." You bet your ass I've got some questions. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a period of extreme uncertainty. It's about time we had some god damned trust in government around here. Obama--my man, you'd better clean shit up A.S.A.P. There is what can be considered a diversified and thoroughly allied army of progressives, conservatives, liberals, environmentalists, Democrats, Republicans, and recent college graduates that are ready to pounce if this man lets us all down. But seriously, Obama, no pressure buddy...just get in there and do your best, will ya? In all seriousness, I can only hope that we will be delivered the change we've been promised and quickly proceed in a more positive direction. I'm dying to see all of this unfold. 2009 is going to be a great year. I hope.

With that said, let's move on to exploring further the recent history of the period since my last musing took place. I started the new year with new living circumstance. After losing my roommate to a job transfer, I decided to get rid of my apartment and move into a new house with four other guys on the south end of Stamford, Connecticut--right by the beach. Nice place. Huge deck. Good beach access. If I stay long enough, come in the summer we'll have a grand ol' time grilling and drinking like old times. Since I'd been living alone in my spacious downtown 2 bedroom 12th floor with balcony and view apartment for quite some time, you might imagine that the transition to once again sharing spaces has been a difficult one. I've been a bit of a recluse since I arrived here; reading, surfing the net, know the general lazy alone behaviors we often cling to when the temperatures are low. After a few weeks off from work around the holidays, I finally fully executed the transition and am now living relatively comfortably in my new setup. It's a situation I will continue to evaluate and report on. Stay tuned.

The holidays...yea, they were cool. A little. I don't know. Life is starting to feel increasingly remedial and mundane. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would work diligently to live a life of substance. I think I'm starving to further my education. I go into Starbucks and envy the people cramming to finish a term paper or for an upcoming exam. I want to learn something with everything I do. Simply put, I find little fulfillment in my work at the present time. It is my hope that I may reevaluate my career when the economy grazes slowly toward greener pastures. Maybe what I'm doing is all I was meant for. Who the hell knows? I guess I'm just wanting to read the last page of the story of my life as opposed to starting from Chapter 1. It's only natural to want to know how it's all going to play out, right?

There is something inside of me that wishes I was doing something more substantial. Upon reaching this conclusion, I asked myself if I had become obsessed with fulfillment that was too substantial in scope. Go for my MBA? Study Journalism? Law School? a Government Job? Run for office? "Are these goals too substantial?," I ask myself. Maybe I'm too caught up in the belief that thinking big yeilds better outcomes. But in all actuality, where in the outline of my life did I decide that it was cool to settle and submit? I feel like I'm writing a five paragraph essay that has a superb introduction and conclusion and body paragraphs composed of countless sentences ending with question marks. What the hell? See look, right there. I did it again. You see?

So Blog, I think I've rambled on to you enough for this evening. So many questions I've asked of you. I hope we can work out our differences as we move forward. I'm tired of feeling like I'm Gaza City and you're Israel. Cut me some slack once in awhile, will ya? I promise to make more time for you. I'll try to make it home from work to have dinner with you a few nights a week, Blog. Oh hey, and great news---Mom says we can discontinue the weekend supervised visits. It's time to turn over a new leaf. I just know it Blog..this is the beginning of something great between you and I. Have faith in me.

With Warm Regards,

Will Tower
Deadbeat Dad Too Busy No Longer

Thursday, January 8, 2009

planes, trains, and automobiles

when i awoke (albeit massively hungover and near death) on January 1st 2009, i felt a wave of terror crash upon me. i was still the same person. maybe the worst version of myself ever.i have woken up on the past 9 different new years, pledging the same pathetic collection of resolutions and never once making good on any of them. That morning I wasnt sure if the unsettling feeling i was experiencing was do to the alcohol or my nerves, but i knew something needed to change. my wheels have begun spinning. i now have a plan.

now, i know that part of my problem is that i am a planner in the worst sense of the word. i plan to a fault. i wasnt always this way but in the last few years i have come to believe that if i plan, than nothing can surprise me. this has definitely proved false considering: i moved back home (not in my plan), my three year on/off boyfriend moved to colorado (not in my plan), and i still visit him (nope, no plan). But, alas, i am planning again. However, this time I am gonna need some help choosing. Gimme some feedback. What would you do? Where do you wanna go? Hey! Feel like coming along?

plan 1: yellowstone national park

i have applied to work 8-10 weeks at yellowstone park in wyoming. if chosen, i will live in a "bunker", with communal bathrooms, massive bugs (i assume), and be a waitress or retail cashier in one of their hotels.
But, i will also be breathing some of the most clean and wonderful air you can get your lungs on. i can take pictures, hike, canoe, do whatever the hell it is people do there. all that matters is that it is something that i havent ever done before.

plan 2: railroading
the lovely people at Amtrak have made it possible for you to purchase a 30-unlimited train ticket for $375. with said ticket you can go ALL OVER THIS GREAT COUNTRY ON A FREAKIN TRAIN! where ever you want to go, coast to coast. the whole while looking out our window at the various cities and plains you pass through. I plan on taking this trip to chicago, nashville, denver, moab, vegas, montanta and san fran. stopping where ever i want. meeting the salt of the earth.

plan 3: west coast trippin'
after flying out to denver, colorado I (and maybe a lil mattreen?) will drive to Moab Utah, the Grand Canyon, Death Valley, Joshua Tree and then up the Cali coast. Your typical road trip peppered with some sweet naturally occurring wonders.

plan 4: outward bound
i also applied to work for outward bound. OB is a fantastic company that takes kids and teens on adventures all over the country. kayaking, climbing, hiking, dog sledding. seriously, anything you can come up with they do. if chosen i get to come along as an adult logistics person for the trips. i will get to see parts of the country i typically would never see. the best part is that a lot of the work they do is with at-risk youths. getting kids outta the ghetto and into the wilderness for some good, back-country fun.

I am in a wonderful position where I dont have to work this summer (until Sept). So i wanna take advantage of that. I am planning on doing one of these trips. Help me out. what would you do? (WWYD)hahah

2008: A Retrospective

This is a really long post so to make it easier to read I’m breaking it up into parts. It was obviously written as one piece but if you read all of these individual posts from top to bottom it should still make sense – I hope. Enjoy.

I know this is late to be doing a year in review thing but I’ve been meaning to write this for a few weeks now and due to work, the holidays, etc. I haven’t been able to get it done. It’s Jan. 8 – no more excuses so I’m just going to write this and hopefully you don’t mind reading about everything that made this year so interesting for the umpteenth time.

Without a doubt, this year lived up to the hype as being one which will reshape the lives of everyone in our generations. The positive and negative events (and there were many of both) will have far-reaching effects for years to come. Rather than write about how I think I’ll feel about 2008 20 years from now, I’m going to write about what I feel right now; since I obviously have no way of knowing how I’ll feel 20 – or two for that matter – years from now.

The best comparison I’ve come up with for this year (and the one that I’m confident everyone reading this will get) is that 2008 was like a really stereotypical college party. Think about it for a minute and I think you’ll agree. Like any decent party, there were some great moments during the past 12 months. I mean really, really great fucking moments. Like winning a beer-pong game in triple overtime. Or watching some dumb freshman girl try and make it to the bathroom after doing a 30-second keg-stand. Or like starting a spontaneous game of flip cup at 3 a.m. Or rocking out to your favorite classic rock ballad. You get the point. 2008 had some awesome moments to remember.

But, also like any (or most) parties I can remember there were plenty of bad memories as well. And I’m not talking about the meaningless drama that accompanies a fun party like when the room goes silent as a couple gets into an awkward screaming match as their mutual friends stare at the floor. I mean this year had some all-out holy shit moments. Like “Guys, the cops are outside and they want to talk to you.” Or like on a morning-after when you realize that you filled the basin of your bathroom sink with some puke even though the toilet was one foot away.

Okay enough with the dumb analogies. Below, I’ll try and briefly list why I feel 08 was a party to remember.

The Bad

First the shitty stuff: One thing that will be burned in my head forever is the amount of really great people who died in 08. It was amazing this summer. One iconic human being passed away one right after the other – I still can’t believe half of these people are gone. Here’s a list off the top of my head (in no particular order)

-Tim Russert – the best and most trusted voice in American political journalism

- Jim McKay – sports broadcaster best known for breaking the news of the terrorist attack at the 72 Munich Olympics

- George Carlin – one of the best comedians ever, a voice of reason who knew how to make me laugh a lot

- Heath Ledger – he was great in everything he did but in the Dark Knight he showed a rare flash of greatness that should earn him an Oscar

- Bernie Mac – another great actor/comedian gone way too soon

- Bobby Murcer – former Yankee great who succumbed to cancer

- Paul Newman – maybe the best actor of his era (which is saying something given his contemporaries). What sets him apart is the millions of dollars he gave to needy people through his charities.

Next but not least: the economy. There’s nothing new I can contribute to the massive amount of what’s been said about the recession/borderline-depression. It sucks a whole lot. I feel like writing more than a brief paragraph would be a waste of space and of your time. I majored in journalism not economics for a reason. But from what I’ve read and seen I know that it will take a few years before this all gets back to a semblance of normalcy. So, suffice it to say, if you have a job you can tolerate, hold on to it. I know I am – no matter how disappointing it may be. Shit happens right?

The economy loomed larger than every other issue by far in 2008. In all reality, there weren’t many new negative events so much as continuations of past years worth of screw-ups. Like increasing violence in Afghanistan, politicians were exposed for corruption, and Russia invaded a neighboring country. These were among the many things which pointed to the fact that America was ready to head in a new direction. Perfect segue way to the good moments of 08.