In which I pretend I didn't not post for months.

So.

If I had to pick a feeling right now, it would be exploding. It's not that I have so many things on my plate (I do, but that's not what it is). It's more of the nagging notion that SOMETHING MUST CHANGE. I don't know precisely what.

I do know precisely what, but I can't think of a feasible way to change what I have to. Because there are no jobs. I feel like I'm at a gay bar, and there's a ton of hot, straight chicks who are hotter than me, and then there's ONE straight guy. And everyone wants him. That's what it's like even THINKING about changing jobs right now.

And part of me doesn't even want to do that, but a lot of me does. I am lucky to have a job. I am lucky to have security. But then I think about the summer and all of the ridiculous shit I was doing for money, and about days of laying in bed with nothing to do but write and smoke cigs and drink coffee, and about how that is ideally what I would like to do, forever and ever.

There are three reasons why I won't take that leap just yet. One of them is my rent. My rent isn't a little chunk of money that I can somehow magically come up with at the end of the month in a worse case scenario. My rent is already something that needs to be scrimped and saved, and that's with a reliable job. Second, it's cold out. Sure, being unemployed in the summer is all fun and games; but I imagine that this time of year it's straight up depressing. Very Charles Dickens. I don't need to feel even MORE worthless. Third, I refuse to leave to do something else that I don't want to do. That's stupid. So if I have some golden opportunity, I'm outta here. And I'm actively looking for that opportunity. But I won't leave one depressing waste of eight hours for another.

I used to be the master of doing strange things for money, but that was also before fucking Wall Street destroyed everything. The economy is completely fucked for people who did odd jobs for money. Where is the justice for us? Where's my fucking bailout?

If I had to choose another feeling, it would be trapped.